I was terribly late in meeting my bestie, and I am rarely late. Natural disasters, the apocalypse or impromptu conversations with random strangers on the subway may be the only thing keeping me … that and a tarot reading. As I burst through the door I barely had enough time to apologize before I was frantically trying to get back on the phone.
“You look like hell. What happened?” Elvira asked me as I pushed my way past her holding my phone up for service bars.
“Just give me a second. Damn you AT&T. I lost service on your street. I have to get back to this lady.”
“What lady?” Elvira asked with genuine concern.
“I already asked two psychics if Mark was cheating on me, I was talking to the third and we just got cut off.”
“Uh huh.” Elvira stared at me like a disappointed parent.
“Stop looking at me with those judgy eyes. You’re making me nervous.”
“I’m making you nervous. You’re acting like a straight up psycho which by the way in case you hadn’t noticed, there is only one vowel difference between psychic and psycho.” Elvira began laughing at her own joke which is why I do so love her.
She got me. Any play on words will get me to stop immediately in my tracks. She had successfully distracted my Amygdala from sounding the panic alarm. I could feel myself calming down…coming to my senses. Clever girl.
**Side Note** When choosing best friends in this world always pick ones who are ready, willing and able to call you out on your shit AND who readily accept the same from you. Any other scenario, the friendship is based on superficial bullshit and should be avoided at all costs.
Elvira gently took the phone from my hand. I started shaking like a virgin at a prison rodeo. “What is the matter with you?” she repeated.
“It’s the rule of three.” I explained. “I need to call three psychics. After speaking with three, the majority rules. If two out of three give me a similar answer then I know that is the truth.”
“Sounds like an expensive way to find out if Mark’s cheating on you.”
“It’s the only way.” I barked back
“If you have to ask if someone is cheating wouldn’t you think your intuition is answering that question for you?”
This is what happens when your best friend is so ridiculously smart, everything she says makes sense making you look even more hysterically insane.
“True.” I said clearly defeated.
Elvira took pity on me and handed me the phone. I immediately bounced back from the dead.
“Thank you!!!” My thumbs moved at breakneck speed. Within seconds I heard that robotic voice I so look forward to.
“Thank you for calling Keen, your personal advisor. Please hold while we try to connect to the person you’ve selected. This may take a minute so please be patient…”
I waited for the beep and suddenly I was on the phone with number three. After ten minutes of pure psychotic bliss I had my answer.
“Well?” said Elvira
“That lying, stinking, cheating snake!” I screamed as I threw my phone across the room.
Majority had ruled.
The Psychic Junkie was going to have to make some very tough decisions. But I wasn’t afraid, I knew I was connected and hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.