I paced the large windows of my Upper East Side Apartment. God bless NYC the city that never sleeps, otherwise I might be feeling insecure about my three a.m. pacing.
Where is he? I thought.
I had been living with my boyfriend Matt for the last year and he had developed this very interesting habit of having multiple “guys nights” beginning on Thursday and ending somewhere in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Trying not to be the over controlling psychotic girlfriend who doesn’t “trust” her boyfriend I didn’t protest. I couldn’t let Matt see me as insecure. I was the cool girlfriend remember? No, rather than be categorized as crazy, I did what I do best…called a psychic.
“Welcome to Keen, your personal advisor. Please hold while we contact the person you’ve selected. This may take a minute so please be patient.”
Within seconds I was connected.
“Hi this is Angela, what is your question?” said a melodic voice on the other end of the phone.
I wasted no time and got right to it. “My boyfriend has been gone all night… since 6pm and isn’t answering my calls. Is he cheating on me?”
“What is his name?”
“Matt.” I replied.
“Hang on a second.” I could hear the shuffling of the cards. I kept wanting her to say no, that he was hopelessly devoted to me but that somehow his phone died and he was lost, or he had been kidnapped and having his kidneys stolen, or quite possibly dead … anything but cheating. But my heart knew better.
“Okay. Well I do see him with someone. A female. dark hair.”
My heart stopped.
“Is he sleeping with her?”
“Sleeping is not the word I would use here. I would say he is or has been intimate with her, yes. I’m sorry sweetie.
“Where is he? Can you see him?”
“I do see him. It looks like they’re in an apartment of sorts, maybe a hotel room or a youth hostel. Something like that.”
I could feel my heart beating through my chest.
She continued. “Ya know this guy just isn’t really the one for you. There is someone much better coming in once you ditch this loser.”
“Yes I know. Every psychic, friend, family member, or general human I come in contact with has told me that. Do you know what it’s like when every time you walk into a room with your boyfriend people look at you like “Okay who brought the douchebag?”
She laughed. ” Actually yes. I can relate. Look honey, if that’s not the universe telling ya something, I don’t know what is.”
“I’m just not ready to let go. I’m not being very strong right now.” I said most pathetically.
“You will be. One day there will be a straw that breaks the camels back and you will be surprised at how strong you will be. There will be no turning back. You will do it and move on.”
I thanked her for the reading and gave her a five star rating.
I stared out the window for a good long time. Finally, I picked up the phone and called my bestie.
“Get your shortest skirt and highest heels. We’re going downtown.”
As the cab pulled up in front of Marquee, Steph and I could see Matt’s gaggle of friends hanging outside.
“Hey Frankie” Steph yelled as we crossed the street. You could see the fear in his eyes as they shifted wildly from her to me back to her then to me.
“Where is he?” I growled.
Frankie stuttered making a valiant effort in coming up with a story but alas he just wasn’t a good liar.
“If you don’t tell us right now where he is I’m going to charge you interest on all the money I’ve lent you.” Steph’s green eyes burned with rage. You do not mess with Steph and money. Ever.
Score! Frankie hung his head in defeat. “Okay but if I tell you, you didn’t hear it from me.”
Of course I didn’t hear from you I thought as this poor unfortunate soul spilled his guts on a manhattan street corner… I have a secret weapon that I’ll never mention to you.
Steph and I pulled up in front of a youth hostel five blocks away from Marquee. Our timing was almost too perfect as Matt came bouncing out undoubtedly after receiving the warning call from his goons.
As Matt and I locked eyes, mine burning with rage, he began searching the ethers for an explanation.
“Babe. It’s not what it looks like. I can explain.”
No need I thought as this myopic worm spun a tale worthy of a pulitzer…
Let this be a lesson to you and all your lying cheating friends. When dealing with matters of the heart, you can’t fuck with a psychic junkie.