What am I going to do now? I thought.
This was the second time in my life that my biological father had abandoned me. The first was in 1989 without a peep from him in thirteen years. After being re-united in 2002, he went and did it again in 2017 after he was raided by the FBI for committing fraud.
I was seething. The anger I felt for this man was something I could not control. Years of abuse, abandonment and betrayals had led me right back to where I had started. I wish he’d have just stayed out of my life rather than waste my time with false promises and lies.
“One day you will understand why this all had to happen.” Said Gina. “And one day you will be able to forgive and move one.”
“No!” I screamed. “I will never forgive him. What he has done, he has done not just to me, but to my son. He’s hurt me my entire life but now he’s put his sickness onto my son. NO! I will never forgive him.”
“Anger is a poison that will only hurt you. You won’t hurt him by being angry with him. You will only hurt yourself.”
“I don’t care. I hate him. I want him to feel pain the way I feel.” I cried.
“He is in pain, this is why he acts the way he does. Once you move out of this terrible toxic relationship, you will see that your life is going to change in ways you could never imagine. Cut the cords that bind. End the karmic shadows of abuse, abandonment and betrayal that infect your family’s karma. You have the power to stop it, but you cannot drink that poison of anger, or you will be remanded to come back again and again until it’s healed.
“When you say again and again are you referring to future lifetimes.” I asked through tear stained cheeks.
“So you’re saying I’m going to have to reincarnate with that asshole again? I shrieked.
“That is what I am saying. Multiple times if necessary.”
I got quiet. The mere thought of having to see this soul again not just in this lifetime but future ones was enough for me to seriously reconsider my actions.
“Anger is a toxic emotion, that robs you of your health and vitality. It takes your happiness and crushes it into depression. Your youthful spirit become hardened and tattered. Your face betrays your inner conditions with frown lines and premature wrinkles. You suffer illness and weakness all because of one bitter pill you’ve chosen to swallow.”
I’d seen what Gina was refering to. People who had years of unresovled anger that had renedered them misearble, depressed or sick. It wasn’t a lie. I knew it was true.
“Let it go. Make peace within yourself and move one. Don’t take on anyone else’s negativity.”
“He makes me so mad. He’s my father for goddsakes. He’s supposed to protect me, not try to destroy me..” I said defeated.
“That is his karma and something he will have to face. You have the power to react, or not to react. The choice is yours, but choose wisely, for choosing to wear the mask of forgiveness can extend your life, choosing to be angry and hateful will take it from you.”
On the road of life, none of us are without moments of anger. In some cases it can be good in order to re-establish boundaries and set the tone of how we want to be treated. However, long term anger which remains unresolved, will do nothing but ruin us, and why would we want to give anyone or anything that kind of power?
I am by no means a master at this. I am still learning as I navigate my way through these emotions that are not easy to let go of. The only conclusion I have come to in light of my circumstances is this:
- Be kind to yourself.
- Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings and try not to act on them.
- Let those negative emotions pass over you like a wave in the ocean.
- Take deep breaths before reacting.
- Walk away from situations and people that cause you stress.
While it is not the easiest to master, it is ultimately kindness, compassion and forgiveness that holds the anti-venom to that bitter little pill we all sometimes swallow.