How Anxiety Taught Me To Live

THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.

I’ve suffered from panic/anxiety disorder since 2009 when I experienced my first panic attack in the Brooklyn/Battery Tunnel.  My ears started ringing, my hands shook, and my legs trembled so much I could not keep my foot on the gas.  I thought I was having a heart attack at the ripe old age of twenty-nine.  This one event sent my life into chaos, and confusion, a realm of agoraphobia, autophobia, and claustrophobia.  My world became smaller, I couldn’t drive, fly, take the subway, even walk too far from my home without feeling a wave of dread.  All the things I loved folded up into the matrix of despair.  I couldn’t sleep or eat, and my mind….oh my mind would NEVER stop.

I know how alone you can feel, how terrified of your own thoughts, and emotions you can be.  I know how you can feel like it will never get better, or it will never end.  And I know how desperately you can want to be released from the prison of an anxious mind.  I have been there, and I too have felt that hopelessness. The scenarios I would concoct in my head were Oscar-worthy, even if they never manifested into anything more than sheer panic.  I sincerely thought I was going to die and in a strange way, a sort of death was upon me, but not the kind I expected.

EVERYTHING BEGINS WITH THE MIND

In order to understand anxiety, you must first understand how we got here, to this place of negativity, gloom, doom, and despair.  Many of us who find ourselves navigating the world of anxiety are besieged by unresolved trauma, the result of which is the development of coping or survival skills to help get us through those uncomfortable, tragic, and/or traumatic experiences.  While we might have needed those protections during times of heightened stress (they may have gone so far as to save our lives) our minds have somehow become stuck in these old thinking patterns.  We have become trapped in the idea that we are unsafe, and somehow in grave danger, even though there is no evidence to confirm it.

Years of this kind of thinking caused us to create negative neuropathways in our brains.   In convincing ourselves that we are somehow perpetually in danger, we proceed to take whatever measures necessary to find comfort in the terrifying world of the unknown.  As a result, our world becomes smaller and we become more fearful.

But the reality of most if not all of these situations in which we panic unnecessarily is that none of it is based in reality.  Our attacks are quite literally brought on by a THOUGHT.  Think about that for a minute.  Think of something you avoid doing because you are afraid of a panic attack.  Think about being there, right now.   Feel how your body changes at the THOUGHT of being in a situation you THINK might cause you to panic.  What is happening?  For many of you, you will actually start to panic.

What does this mean?  It means that your body is reacting to a THOUGHT, not an actual clear and present danger.  This is a very powerful realization because it starts to help you understand how shifting the balance of power from your thoughts controlling YOU to YOU mastering them is essential to healing panic/anxiety.  In cognitive-behavioral therapy (which can actually cure people like us) they call this thought correction.

Now here is the good news!  If our minds are able to create negative neuropathways then it would be logical to assume it can also create POSITIVE neuropathways.  This was the one realization that changed my life.

REPROGRAMMING OUR BRAINS

As with all things, retraining our brains isn’t easy.   It will take perseverance, dedication, and a helluva lot of patience but it can be done.  I am living proof, and I thought (there’s that word again) there was no hope for me ever reclaiming my life.

There are three things that happen when we begin to correct our thoughts, and all three must change before we can forge some new positive neuropathways.  It works something like this:

  1. First, we change the THOUGHT.
  2. Next, the BELIEF associated with the thought.
  3. And finally, and this is THE most important one, the EMOTION associated with the belief.

This is how positive affirmations work.  After repeating them over and over, we start to BELIEVE them.  And once we begin to believe them, we start to FEEL the EMOTION attached to that new belief.  And that is how things slowly begin to change.

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE AGAIN

Once I realized the power to change was within me, I worked diligently on correcting my thoughts  Rather than fear the unknown I made a conscious decision to embrace it.  Whenever I would panic, I bring my awareness to the here and now.  I would then immediately replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.  Did I still have an attack?  You bet, but rather than fight it, I’d surrender to it.  I realized that in the last decade I’d had hundreds of panic attacks, and never died from them.  So for me, I was able to rest assured that it would pass.  I also knew that after thirty minutes I’d have no more adrenaline left so even if I couldn’t stop the attack, I could wait it out.  Over time, I noticed the positive thoughts were over-powering the negative ones much faster, and the attacks would come less frequently.

Now, while this was all miraculous in and of itself, what I found truly amazing is how this anxiety forced me to change.  I realized somewhere in the race of life, I had lost myself.  I became a machine focused on trivial bullshit and a drive for success that was not only unrealistic but toxic.   I was a shadow of my former self, focusing on what I didn’t have rather than what was right in front of me.  I was lost, and I didn’t even know it.  I was so focused on getting something from my life I had forgotten how to live.

During the process of creating positive neuropathways,  I started to uncover the REAL me… the one who was trapped underneath the public persona I had created to cope with life.  There, hidden under a mound of anxious thoughts was an emotionally devastated little girl asking me to see her, screaming for me to choose her, and begging for me to not be afraid of my true power.   I realized that years of putting others before myself had cast that little girl into the shadows.  Nevertheless, she remained right by my side through every tear, laugh, trauma, and triumph, and yet I had forgotten all about her.  She sacrificed everything in fighting for me to survive, and now it was my turn to fight for her to live.

I made the decision to heal my past, to correct my thoughts, to create the world I wanted to live in, but most importantly to create peace of mind, which my weary soul was so desperately longing for.  I began removing toxic people from my life, caring less about what others thought of me and more about what I thought of myself.  I went through the past with a new set of eyes, cherishing all the positive things I’d accomplished which had been glossed over under the influence of my negative thoughts.  Each time I CHOSE to see my life differently, the anxiety would lessen.

Do I still get attacks?  Occasionally, especially if I am under stress, but I know how to deal with them now.  It has taken years to get to this point, and I did not do it alone.  I have a fabulous CBT therapist who has become like family.  I’ve been blessed with friends suffering from anxiety who lend a compassionate ear, and I have come across numerous books and articles from brave souls sharing their stories to inspire others.  I have included a list of articles, books, and sites at the end of this article.

We are truly not alone, whether in the spiritual sense or in the mundane, there is always helpful guidance when we need it.  As every breakdown leads to a breakthrough, I sincerely believe that panic/anxiety is a way to help us grow, to take us on a journey of self-realization.   It is a journey that is not without pain, but if we can still our minds through the fury of the storm long enough to center ourselves on the light within, we might finally be able to see the rainbow.

Keep Seeking,

TPJ

**If you suffer from panic/anxiety please remember you are not alone!  Below are some resources I used on my journey, please follow whatever resonates with you.  Blessings and Love.

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety: A Step-By-Step Program

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself:  How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One

Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks!: A counterintuitive approach to recover and regain control of your life

This last book was a life saver!  He also has a video program which I loved and which was so reasonably priced I could cry.  Definitely check it out!

 

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3 thoughts on “How Anxiety Taught Me To Live

  1. I can relate so deeply to what you shared here in this post! I too have struggled until I finally surrendered and reprogrammed in many ways using many holistic techniques but most specifically shamanic healing which utilizes my psychic gifts. We are naturally more susceptible to anxiety and depression because we are understanding the world on a much higher level than most. I am happy I found your blog because reading your posts about your experiences and healing journey mirror my own so strongly. Here’s to a continuation of the blooming of the seeds we planted in 2020. Wishing you continued growth, joy, delight, peace and love along this soul journey ❤ 🎆🤗

    1. It’s so true. It took me a long time to understand how hypersensitivity played into my anxiety. I met a wonderful energy healer who taught me how to distinguish my energy from that of others and the world at large. It changed my life. So happy to have found a kindred spirit in you. Thanks again for reading. Means a lot. 💫 wishing you a blessed and abundant new year! Much love 💗 A

      1. Yes my dear. It’s all in understanding the web of energy we swim in I say. I’m a master shaman and energy practitioner myself and learning this art has transformed my life. I understand my soul’s purpose now is to write and help heal other hearts which raises humanity’s vibration one ❤ at a time. It’s our job to care for our energy. Not to carry others. I used to believe if I could take away others pains they would be happy. All that did was hurt me. The best thing we can do is care for ourselves for that’s our #1 priority here in this journey. It’s a pleasure to connect with you 😊 I so enjoy meeting fellow tuned in travelers along the way. The Light within me recognizes the beautiful shining light within you, Namaste 🙏

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