The Promise

 

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My Mother’s Family in the 1940’s (My mother has been added)

Coming from a big family with my mother being the youngest of seven, I am no stranger to death.  It is to be expected that those that come before you may leave before you would like them too.  In some more traumatizing cases, those much younger than us depart this world before it seems they were even given a chance and such is life.

My Uncle Carlo was like a father to me.  My biological father abandoned us when my brother and I were at the ripe old age of four and five.  He had fallen in love with his “business partner” which started a dysfunctional few years of familial fighting that would permanently scar us.  He wouldn’t completely disappear from our lives until four years later but our world as we knew if was officially devastated.

One shining day we stood in the garden with our uncle.  My brother and I had been crying so much it seemed as though it would never end.  At four and five years old, there is no way to intellectualize what has just happened to you.  All you know is that your father doesn’t love you … he must not …  or why else would he leave you?

As we sat with Uncle Carlo in his garden that beautiful Spring day, we found ourselves overcome with sadness.  Who is going to love us now?  Before we knew what was happening we found ourselves asking him if we could call him daddy.  Now according to my Aunt Mary, my uncle cried for days.  He was heartbroken for us and of course he had said yes.

For years he treated us like his own.  In his company we never felt abandoned, lost, misunderstood or abused.  We would go on hikes in the woods, play golf, ride the tractor or help him make wine in the basement.  He would tell us stories of the war in Italy and how he escaped the Nazi’s.  He made funny faces at us when our aunt yelled at us and was always amused by our shenanigans.  At night while watching TV he wold announce it was time to have a party.  Oreo Cookies and Chocolate Entenmanns Donuts with a glass of milk would appear before us.  We would stay at their house for weeks.  It always smelled like wood burning even in the Summer.  It was the best time of our emotionally fragile lives.

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Uncle Carlo in Rome Mid 1950s

Because of Uncle Carlo, Oreo cookies remain my favorite and the smell of wood burning brings me immediate comfort.  He was like a father to us, and would often refer to himself as our “second father.”

So it would come as no surprise that in 2009 when the Universe took him home, I was devastated.  I kept thinking that there was so much left for me to do and he wasn’t going to be there for any of it.  My heart was broken.  It’s a funny thing about a broken heart.  Nothing can ever really heal it.  It can come back together, but it will never truly be the same.

Naturally I wanted to speak with him again.  Being the psychic junkie that I am, I did some research.  I couldn’t talk to just anyone.  I finally found a Medium on Long Island named Glenn Dove.  I had heard great things about him and wasted no time at all in setting up an appointment.

When the date finally arrived, my best friend came along with me.  As we raced out of the Midtown Tunnel I had a nagging thought.  I turned to Stephie and said, “I have a lot of dead relatives and I love them all but I really only want to speak with him today.”

Stephie nodded.  “Well hopefully, he will come through.” she said.  She was very supportive of this adventure, making it all the more comforting.

When we finally sat down across from Glenn I couldn’t help but feel nervous.  What if he doesn’t come through?  What if everything this guy tells me is complete crap?  I’d had so many bullshit readings I was a bit jaded.  Glenn smiled and gestured for me to sit.  He took out a tape recorder and prepared to record our reading.

“Are you ready to begin?” he asked.

“Absolutely.” I said.

Glenn began writing on a piece of paper.  He looked up for a moment.

“Your father is on this earth?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Okay then it must be a grandfather … no, no.  He’s holding up his hand to me and showing me the number two.  He’s saying second father.  He says he was your second father.”

I was speechless.  There was no way this guy could have known that we referred to my uncle as a second father.  I just nodded. “That’s my uncle.”

Glenn continued, “There are a lot of relatives around you right now but he pushed forward to the front because he says you are expecting him.”

The tears poured out of my like a faucet.  They just kept dropping to the ground like  emotional goo.  I couldn’t believe it.  There’s no way he could have heard me.

Glenn paused for a moment, then smiled.  “Have you reached a milestone? Like a birthday or something?

“Yes.  I just turned thirty two days ago.”

“Your relatives are celebrating.  They are throwing roses.  There are roses all around you.  It’s really quite beautiful.”

For the next hour Glenn gave me one of the best readings I had ever had.  More of my relatives came through and he got them all BY NAME.  These are not common names so I was certainly impressed.  Before I left I asked him one final question; “If or when I ever get married.  Do you think my uncle will be there?”

Glenn didn’t hesitate.  “Absolutely.”

“But what if he forgets, or is busy?  It might be a while before that happens and then I might not even know he was there at all.”  I rambled on like a bumbling baby.

Glenn paused for a moment.  “He said he will be standing right beside you.  He will be sure to make it known he is there.  That’s a promise.” Then he added, “Your uncle says he knows that you miss him, but you have important work to do here.  He doesn’t want you to obsess about the loss of his life … he wants you to live yours.”

“Thank you so very much.” I said as I got up to leave.  I felt such comfort in knowing that my uncle was not gone.  The reading had left me with a sense of peace that I hadn’t had in months since his death.

I was married in 2014.  A good friend of mine *Ann who is highly intuitive was at my wedding.  She kept telling me that there was a man standing next to me when I was taking my vows.  “He is so handsome.  He just kept smiling.  Do you know who he is?”

I was so overwhelmed that day I couldn’t think straight.  “No.  These places are always haunted.  It could have been anyone.”  I somewhat dismissed her leading her toward the cocktails.  “Why would some random ghost be smiling at your wedding?” Ann insisted.

“I don’t know.”  I said.  “We are all one on the other side.”  Ann rolled her eyes.  I handed her one of our signature cocktails and made my way back to the party.

Twenty minutes later I found Ann standing in front of the memorial table I had erected to honor mine and my husbands deceased relatives.  Their photos were displayed in vintage gilded frames surrounded by white roses and pillar candles.  There were so many pictures, there would be no way to tell which was which or whose side of the family they were from.

Uncle Carlo
The picture that was on the memorial table.

Ann was holding a picture to her heart.  When she turned around to face me I saw that she was holding the picture of my Uncle Carlo.

She didn’t have to say it.  I knew it was him that she saw.  We stood there and hugged for a good long time.  My make-up streamed down my face leaving lines of tears inked into my skin.

I knew that the final prophecy from my reading with Glenn Dove had come true.  My uncle had attended my wedding, and although I myself couldn’t see him, he had fulfilled his promise;  a promise made from another dimension all those years ago.

While we may miss our loved ones here on Earth in the physical form, they are never truly gone.  They are always with us I don’t know for certain if there is an afterlife.  But I do know for sure that there is life after death.  And maybe the purpose of it all, is just to live.

 

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Gypsies, Scams and Thieves

To gypsy or not to gypsy, that is the question.  When navigating the ethers for a good psychic, the answer my friends is simple. No way.  Living  in NYC  I have had many run-ins with gypsies.  They are not all bad as far as humans go however when trying to discover the complexities of your life path, I would strongly advise you not go there.

While I have been lured many times by gypsies on the streets of Manhattan, the most nefarious experience that comes to mind was actually on the boardwalk in Atlantic City.  I know what you’re thinking, this story can’t end well when starting with “the boardwalk in Atlantic City.” And you are correct!  Alas, there I was with my best friend Willem enjoying the brownish blue tint of the Atlantic ocean, when the inevitable happened.  Right there on the boardwalk was a sign. “Get your palm read $5.”  To any normal person, it was JUST a sign but to a psychic junkie it was a homing beacon.

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Reaching out its tendrils toward me, I was hooked.  “Let’s go get a reading.” I squealed.  Willem was an avid tarot card reader himself so being that he was so much like me (sans addiction)  he readily agreed.  Upon entering their little hut, we saw two ladies badly in need of a dentist chatting away.  As soon as they saw us they both shot up.  Willem went to the right with the younger woman and I to the left with the grandmother.

I sat down in a tiny chair.  The gypsy smiled at me but didn’t say much.  She picked up my hand and began to study it.  “I see you have perfect health and well being.  I also see extreme fame and popularity.”

Yes, Yes! I thought.  Tell me more.  So far this was going great!

“But there is a dark energy blocking this.”  Instant buzz kill.

“Darkness.” I said thinking about all the creeps that have been in my life.  “I guess that makes sense.”

“You’re cursed.” She said eyes wide and black as night.

I sat back in my chair.  Her already unattractive features were crinkled in such a way that made her a bit more terrifying.  For a brief moment I had a flash of being drugged and taken to her secret ceremonial cave where she would gut me and use me as a human sacrifice not unlike the Kalima from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  I instinctively covered my heart.

“I can get rid of this curse.  This devil is no match for me.  Then all the health, well being, fame and popularity will come flooding in like it is destined to.” She prophesied.

I looked up with gratitude. “You would do that?”  My hand remained on my heart … just in case.

She nodded. “Yes. I will do spells every night for thirty days.  I will light protection candles, and wear reiki charged crystals to attract positive energy.  I will invoke the angelic spirits to help me banish this devil for good.”

Wow I thought.  Not just darkness, but an actual devil.  Lucky me.

“Is this something you would like me to do?  I can get started tonight.” she asked.

I thought it over for two seconds … then … “Yes.”

“Praise Jesus.” She threw up her hands dramatically.

“Praise Jesus.” I repeated enthusiastically also throwing my hands up.

“You will be saved.” She exclaimed.

“Yay.” I thought.

“That will be five thousand dollars.” she said without so much as a twitch.

“Wait … I’m sorry what? I choked out replacing my hand over my heart.

“That is how much it costs to get rid of it.  But that is only for thirty days.  We may have to do this for six months before we can really be sure its gone.  But trust me.  When this devil is finally banished, you will smile again.”

“And it’s five thousand dollars every month until it’s exorcised?” I asked incredulously.

“I have to travel to the underworlds of darkness. Walk between life and death in order to save you from demons that feast on your soul.”

I threw up in my mouth. Something about the whole feast on my soul thing threw me over the edge.  “You know what.  I’m okay with not smiling.  My face is better suited for brooding.”  I stood up, a bit dizzy hand still over heart, backing out of the room.

“This demon has been dragging you down for years at least ten that I can see.  It must be removed immediately or you will continue to live a life of pain and suffering.” She retorted.

“Ten years huh.  Longest relationship to date.” I joked.  She was not amused.

“You will never find love, marry or have children.  You will be miserable and sad while the devil takes your life from you.”

“Fascinating prophecy .. and while I will certainly heed your warning,  this devil and I seem to have gotten along this far, wouldn’t want to fuck it up now.  Thanks for the reading.”

I ran out of their little hut and back out into the salty sea air.  I heaved for a moment wiping the sweat off my brow.

“How did it go Angie?” I looked up and saw Willem … he looked like an angel surrounded by sunlight.  I ran and hugged him.  “Thank god we got out of there alive.”

Willem laughed. “What? Why do you say that?”

“Apparently I have a demon attached to me.” I blurted out.

“A whaaaaa?”

“Yeah. And for five thousand dollars she can remove it.  She said my life would continue to be awful, and suck if I didn’t get rid of the demon. Did you have one too?”  I asked.

“No.  She said she saw all great things in the future.  I was going to be doing what I love, meet the man of my dreams and I might be moving to the west coast.  Wait did you say five thousand dollars?”

“They didn’t ask you for five thousand?  I asked sheepishly

“Heck no, I just paid the five dollars.” he replied.

“So I’m darkness and you’re light.  That’s just fucking great.”

Willem started to laugh.  “Can I take you and your devil to lunch?” he put his arm around me and we headed back toward the hotel.

I didn’t know it at the time but it had nothing to do with darkness or light.  I had the need to know.  I was more susceptible to her manipulations that Willem would ever be.  Not all Gypsies are like this swindler but many of them are.  You need to be so careful when choosing someone to read for you.  There are so many people out there who take advantage of those who are at their most vulnerable.

Nothing the Gypsy predicted ever came true.  Perhaps she was full of it from the start or perhaps the choices I made in my life altered what she read at that moment.  Praise the Universe for free will!  Or maybe the devil just got bored of me and moved on to someone more exciting … Weinstein? Trump? My dad?  I guess there are just some things in life we are not meant to know.  One thing is for certain though … she could definitely see that I was a psychic junkie.

 

 

 

An Attitude of Gratitude

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To say that this year has been rough would be an understatement. A complete and total upheaval would be more appropriate. Every time I feel lost, I always sit in awe and wonder of the Universe when these kinds of life altering events happen. In the moment they are happening I find myself asking why? Why did this particular event have to happen, causing so much pain and suffering in a life already fraught with much of that. It isn’t until my awareness expands and some time has gone by that I see the beauty in the destruction.

I was confident depression would overtake me, especially having a small son that I swore would never have to go through something like this. Yet for some reason, none of the internal chaos that I was sure would finish me, actually did. Instead something rather miraculous occurred.

As I sat wrapping presents for the Christmas celebration with family, I found myself smiling.  Seven months ago I thought I would never smile again. With the sudden shifting of my life path I was so unsure where I was going. The machete that I had been hacking at the weeds of life with had gone dull and I was suddenly in a whole new forest of overgrowth that was choking me at every turn. I was lost. I had no idea if I was on the right path anymore. Yet here I was smiling…and humming. This internal feeling of joy was so profound I couldn’t shut it off. Amidst everything I’d been through I knew the Universe was not going to let me down because quite frankly, they never have.

I’ve spoken to Angels since I was a child and I always found comfort with them but in recent years I was also chanting every night in Sanskrit.  However, since I was introduced to this practice by my biological father who is the one responsible for this most unfortunate shake up, chanting in Sanskrit now brought me so much pain I felt it was no longer the path I was supposed to follow.

I asked Universe (as I had so many times before) the best way to help me through this most recent spiritual crisis and right on cue they sent me Sarah. Through her, I was introduced to Nichiren Shoshu True Buddhism.  I had always been drawn to the Buddha. A very vivd dream of my son telling me he was Buddhist long before giving birth to him made this particular wink more like a kick in the behind.  After chanting once, I knew this was the Universe giving me a tremendous gift. Within a week of each other, my son, my husband and I all received Gojakai (the seed of happiness).  I have found so much comfort in this practice, witnessing small miracles in my life every day. I know I would have never had this wonderful experience had my world not fallen apart.

Another blessing that was generously bestowed upon me was is in the area of career.  I was working for my biological father in a company I had no interest in, wasting away day after day being caught up in his contrived dramas rather than getting on with my own business. Due to unfortunate events, his business has shattered and it’s just a matter of weeks before it’s completely gone. With no say or control, that avenue is no longer open to me. Everything that went with it including the relationship with my biological father has turned to dust much as it did the first time back in 1989 when my father disappeared from our lives. In repeating history,  he has not only abandoned me and my brother (for the second time in this life) but also our respective families.  He was confident he had destroyed us, which is what he set out to do, but fortunately the Universe had another plan for us.

Come 2018 we are launching two new businesses in addition to our film company. Again something we would have never done festering and miserable in our old comfortable lives. We are expanding in ways we could have never before.  We are doing things we love with people we love.  Every day is a new adventure filled with positivity and light.

Even my relationship with my brother which was always tumultuous due to the meddling and instigating of my father, is now stronger than ever. I look at my family and thank the heavens they are healthy, and happy which is most important above all else.  Even through this most strenuous time my baby boy is always smiling. I believe another gift from the Universe.

Although I have dealt with a full plate of loss, abandonment and uncertainty in my life I have never been one to roll over and give up. Even if the future seemed bleak, I would go within and try my best to see where there might be a silver lining. Because there is always hope. Our job is to find it no matter how hard she may hide herself from us.

While I thought I would be sad and depressed this Christmas, instead I find myself immersed in an attitude of gratitude. I am grateful for the upheaval in my life, I am thankful my world fell apart, I am thrilled to be rid of toxic people and situations. I look forward to the new year and all the promise new beginnings bring.

And just as an added gift, three times today I bought something that had the numbers “777”. Knowing that the universe speaks in number sequences I quickly went home to look them up. Thanks to Doreen Virtue and her book Angel Numbers 101, I was easily able to  find what I was looking for. Right there under “777” it said the following:

You are definitely on the right path in every area of your life. Stay balanced and spiritually aware so that you can continue moving forward on this illuminated path.

There it was, the answer to my question.  They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I  believe that to be true. They can knock you down but they can’t knock you out. Open your heart to the Universe and like a hungry beggar beg that it be filled. And it will. Never give up, let the ones you love change you, and always live your life with an attitude of gratitude.

Merry Everything

The Path of the Dreamer

 

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So many times in my life I have felt completely, and utterly lost. It didn’t matter that I had a great job, good friends, or wonderful opportunities. For some reason, no matter what I did I always felt like I was somehow swimming upstream with no hope of ever finding my way.

As I trudged along, I would find myself slipping deeper into despair wondering where I belonged. It was the cause for sleepless nights and a deep rooted depression slowly taking over my life.

It wasn’t until meeting my dear friend Francis the Healer that I learned something very valuable. “You walk the path of the dreamer” he said with quiet confidence. “An artistic path that will always feel lonely but that is only an illusion. Turn inward and you will find the answer has been there all along.”

“The path of the dreamer.” I thought. I had been told many times that I lived in fantasia, being laughed at or scoffed for dreaming too big. “You? Okay. Sure.” There were so many times when I felt misunderstood, and ridiculed from those who didn’t have the same vision. I wasted my precious time and energy trying to convince those who couldn’t see to believe.

“Turn inward and you will find that the answer has been there all along.” When I ventured deep enough into meditation to hear that quiet voice within I finally understood.

I am a dreamer. I walk between worlds on the path of loneliness with a fearless heart. I keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds. I shoot for the moon and swing among the stars. I see with my eyes but listen with my heart.  I belong to nothing and connect to everything.  I am homesick for a place I can’t see but know is real. I’m a romantic, a believer in hope, a purveyor of love. I know that anything is possible. I am dreamer… and I’m not the only one.

 

 

 

It’s Only Temporary

It’s Only Temporary

I’ve lived many lives. No, I’m not referring to past lives, though I have been fortunate enough to learn quite a bit about my soul from past life regressions. What I’m talking about is living many lives in this life. If you think about how many jobs you’ve had, friends, family, etc. it’s enough to feel as though you’ve lived a thousand lifetimes.

I set out on this journey called life 38 years ago. After a tumultuous childhood I began my career teaching  ballroom dance at prestigious schools. Along with my partner Willem, I competed in American Rhythm something I could only dream about. I moved to New York City, starred in Off -Broadway plays, appeared in television shows and in horrible horror films no one ever saw. I lived with my best friend in Midtown West on the twenty-seventh floor of a luxury high rise while being terrified of elevators. I was an office manager for a plastic surgeon, learning more about breasts, liposuction, fillers and botox you could ever want to know. I went to film school at thirty with a class of 18-25 year olds. And as if all that wasn’t super fun, I was fired by my biological father, AND employed by a company that was raided by the FBI…twice!  I started my production company, made films, wrote books and screenplays, met the love of my life in the theater, got married and had a super cute baby. Many times throughout my journey I thought the end was near and I would never survive the change. I’ve been fired more times than President Trump has lied. I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me numerous times and yet I get up, and dust myself off. I remember that when the chips are down and all looks bleak, this too shall pass.

Most recently I experienced another life altering change. All the same questions came to mind that plague anyone involved in a crisis. “What the fuck am I going to do now?” Everyone whom I spoke to at that time said the same thing,” Don’t worry. It’s only temporary.” While my intuition told me this was the truth, the reality of my situation did very little to calm my nerves. How long is temporary? While I struggled with this question I realized it was time for action not reflection.

Refusing to fall down, I dusted off my big girl pants as I had done many times before and got to work. As the months passed I slowly began reinventing myself, my business and my life. I did a spring cleaning of epic proportions. I eliminated the toxic people in my world who for so many years did nothing but keep my energy choked off with their negativity.  As a result of my new found freedom, I rebranded my business, started additional businesses, wrote two books (to be released in March 2018) changed living situations, and created this blog which you are reading now.  It is utterly amazing the unlimited power we have when we put our minds to something. As I battled through each obstacle paving a new path, I remembered something very important; life is always changing, and adaptability is the key to surviving it. Who we were yesterday is not who we are today and who we are today is not who we are going to be tomorrow.

As we go through our lives we begin understand that to reinvent ourselves is to embrace the unknown and face it head on. While it can seem downright terrifying, all these lives we live during one lifetime adds to the complexity of our character and the richness of the earth experience. We are inventors, creators, observers, scientists and philosophers all in one single journey. We have to have our hearts broken to appreciate love, and our loves lost to appreciate the frailty of human existence.

While life can bring with it a multitude of experiences both good and bad, we must always remember that it is truly what we make of it. For as sure as the sun rises and sets, the wheel of fortune will turn. The lesson the universe is trying to teach us is that while we may be rich or poor, sick or healthy, loved or lonely, this wonderful gift called life that we have been given is in fact only temporary.